


Sniggles in the Mall, What Havoc Will They Cause?

by teknical_difficulties



Category: Hatchetfield Universe - Team StarKid
Genre: (gestures towards the sniggles) i just think they're neat, Autistic Paul Matthews, Humor, based on a dumb headcanon i posted on tumblr, emma's a good aunt, hatchetfield is already so goddamn weird this might as well happen, it's subtle but it's there, lex isn't paid enough for this shit, lots and lots of exposition so prepare yourselves, paul is stressed someone help him, the sniggles cause problems on purpose, tim is babey but also kind of a smartass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:07:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24056434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teknical_difficulties/pseuds/teknical_difficulties
Summary: To promote the new Tickle-Me-Wiggly doll, Uncle Wiley has sent the Sniggles out to malls all across America, including the Lakeside Mall in Hatchetfield. Not everyone appreciates their presence.
Relationships: Tim Houston & Emma Perkins
Comments: 13
Kudos: 60





	Sniggles in the Mall, What Havoc Will They Cause?

**Author's Note:**

> In case you're curious, the Sniggles featured are the ones played by Jaime, Curt, and Angela.

It was about a week into November, and the citizens of Hatchetfield had officially started their Christmas shopping. The Lakeside Mall was bustling with activity, _especially_ Toy Zone. Frank, Lex's boss, couldn't have been happier. More customers means more money, after all. But for Lex? It was her own personal _hell_. The constant flow of customers drove her anxiety up the wall, and _God_ help her if she had to restock a shelf in a crowded aisle. It seemed like every time someone in Hatchetfield walked into a store, they were _immediately_ infected with shit idiot brain fungus or something. But it wasn't all bad. For one thing, Lex had noticed a strange pattern (if you could call it that) in her exchanges with the customers at the check-out counter that could possibly help her (and her sister and boyfriend, of course) get _out_ of this shitty fucking town.

The Tickle-Me-Wiggly.

The advertising campaign for the Tickle-Me-Wiggly doll had started on the first day of November, and the hype surrounding it was _huge_. From signs and cardboard cutouts promoting the doll plastered all throughout Lakeside Mall, to the frustratingly earworm-y jingle being played almost non-stop over the speakers in Toy Zone. Lex could probably recite that damn song from _memory_ she'd heard it so many times already. Anyways, the doll was being advertised all over the place, with a promised release date of Black Friday. In Lex's personal opinion, that seemed like a riot just _waiting_ to happen, but that's not the point. While at the check-out counter, there would be a never-ending _stream_ of parents (but no kids, oddly enough) asking questions about the Tickle-Me-Wiggly. Usually the retail price or when it would be arriving at Toy Zone. _Clearly,_ these people hadn't been listening to the jingle very closely. What part of "And it's a steal at only $49.95!" and "On this Black Friday, he will hit the shelves" did they not understand? Again, shit idiot brain fungus.

Stupid questions aside, this told Lex that there were _a lot_ of people anticipating the release of this doll. People who might be willing to pay a rather handsome price for it on, say, the black market. So Lex and Ethan had devised a plan.

Step 1: Find someone willing to pay big money (Lex and Ethan had decided on $400) for a Wiggly.  
Step 2: Wait until the dolls arrive on Black Friday.  
Step 3: Steal one of the dolls before the store opens.  
Step 4: Sell the doll to the buyer after Lex gets off her shift.  
Step 5: Cali- _fucking_ -fornia, baby!

It was perfect. There was just one _teeny-tiny_ complication with the plan. Actually _waiting_ for Black Friday. Not an easy task when you work in retail. Not helping matters was the fact that the chuckle-fuck in charge of advertising at Lakeside Mall decided to hire some unwanted assistance in promoting the doll.

\----------

It was another average day at Toy Zone. Lex was cleaning a display case of plastic dinosaur figures while Frank manned the register. Customers were milling about the store. That _fucking_ jingle was playing over the speakers again. As Lex hummed along to it- either out of force of habit or some elaborate form of mind control, she couldn't help but feel like she was being watched. Sighing in irritation, Lex turned around, expecting to see some creep-o middle-aged man oogling her as had happened _way_ too often before. So she was caught off-guard at the sight of the _actual_ culprit.

Leaning up against a shelf was a tall woman who appeared to be in her thirties. She was clad in a pale green t-shirt with the word "Wiggly" printed across the chest in a bubbly white font and a pair of dark green sweatpants. That wasn't the weird part. The weird part was the fuzzy green arm-warmers she wore and the fake antennae with green pom-poms attached propped up on her head. Adding onto the weird factor was her unnaturally bright green eyes that were stuck in a thousand-yard "I've-seen-the-end-of-days" stare in Lex's direction. After a good thirty seconds, the weird green lady seemed to _finally_ realize that Lex had noticed her staring, and shook her head before plastering an aggressively cheerful smile on her face with a friendly wave. Lex gave her own awkward wave back before making her way to the check-out counter.

"Hey, Frank?" she called out as she approached, getting her boss's attention.

"Yes, Alexandra?" he replied, scanning an impatient-looking man's purchase of an eight-pack of Play-Doh containers.

"What's with the green clown?" Lex asked, sticking her thumb back towards the lady. She chanced a look back at her, relieved to see that she hadn't overheard Lex's question, and was now occupying herself with a slinky that had been sitting on the shelf she was leaning up against.

"Green what now?" Frank (sort of) echoed, befuddled by his employee's question. He looked up to see Lex subtly gesturing towards the aforementioned green clown. "Oh, _her!_ She's a Sniggle!" he answered casually, placing the last of the man's purchases into two plastic bags.

"Thanks, that clears up fucking _nothing_." Lex grumbled dryly in reply. She'd heard "Sniggles" being mentioned in the Wiggly jingle, but she still had no idea what the fuck they _were_.

_"Language!"_ Frank chastised her, placing the man's payment in the register as he walked off. He cleared his throat before continuing. "The Sniggles are here to help promote the Wiggly dolls!" he explained happily. "They're all over Lakeside Mall, and sometimes they come in here, too."

"What do they _do_ , though?" Lex asked. She gestured around at the various fliers and the large cardboard cut-out next to the counter with Wiggly's weird-ass Cthulu face plastered on them. "I think we're set on advertising, honestly."

Frank was about to answer when an odd wailing sound rang out from the aisle the 'Sniggle' was in. The two looked to see what the commotion was about, and saw the Sniggle lady had abandoned the slinky in favor of a groan tube. A groan tube, by the way, is a long plastic cylinder that makes a (really annoying) sound when you flip it around. Inside some tubes, like the one the Sniggle was currently entranced by, were tiny marbles that race down a spiral in the tube just to add to the noise. One of those "keep-the-kids-distracted-during-the-car-ride-home" kinda toys that parents would _immediately_ regret buying for their kid because they were so irritating to listen to. And _no,_ you're not mistaken, "groan tube" is a _terrible_ name for a children's toy, no matter how accurate it was. Anyways, the Sniggle lady flipped the groan tube around some more, an almost adorably awestruck smile on her face, before noticing Lex and Frank watching her. She hastily hid it behind her back, only for the tube to wail once more, giving away it's position. Frank snapped back to attention, and began to ring up the purchases of the lady who was waiting at the check-out counter.

"Well, they mainly take pictures with children, but they'll answer questions about the dolls if need be." Frank explained to Lex as he worked.

Lex still wasn't done asking questions. This lady had a _weird_ energy that she'd never felt on a person before. It was kinda making her skin crawl, honestly. "So, who hired them?"

Frank opened his mouth to respond, but paused, his face changing to a more pensive expression. "I... don't actually _know,"_ he admitted. He looked concerned for a moment before shrugging it off, still ringing up the lady's purchases. "But I'm not complaining! It just means _I'm_ not the one paying them!" he said with an exaggerated laugh.

Not exactly satisfied, but just bored of the conversation, Lex was about to go back to work. But then she heard the all-too-familiar sound of a bunch of tiny objects being dumped on the floor, followed by a series of high-pitched giggles. Both coming from the aisle the Sniggle was in. Oh, _God_ no. With a heavy feeling of dread, Lex turned around. Much to her horror, the Sniggle had broken the plastic seal on a cylindrical container labeled "1,000 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle!!!", and was now dumping the contents of said container _all over the floor_. And she was laughing almost _hysterically_ as she did so. She looked up at Lex with an innocent smile as the last few pieces (plus a torn plastic bag that the puzzle pieces were presumably in before the Sniggle ripped it open) fell out of the box, seemingly un-bothered by the look of pure murder in the teen's eyes. Frank looked up, and inhaled through his teeth in a "oh-god-you're-gonna-have-to-clean-that-up-but-I-feel-bad-about-it" sort of way.

"Alexandra?" he piped up, clearly preparing to ask/order her.

Lex took a deep breath in, held it for a few seconds, and exhaled. "Yeah, it's fine, I got it." she sighed, resigned to her fate. As much as she wanted to throw hands with this green _bitch_ right now, it wasn't worth the risk of getting fired and ruining "Operation: CaliforM.I.A". Muttering curse words and other insults towards the Sniggle under her breath, Lex made her way to the supply closet for a broom and a dustpan. This was gonna be a _long_ month.

\----------

Today was the day. After a week of persuasion, Tim had _finally_ convinced his dad to let him go Christmas shopping with Aunt Emma! Every time Tim asked, it seemed like his dad had a new stupid reason for why he couldn't go. The one he repeated most often was, "Lakeside Mall is full of _crazy people_ this time of year! It's no place for a kid!". Tim was pretty sure it was just because his dad still didn't like Aunt Emma very much. After a while, his dad relented, much to both Tim and Emma's delight. Not only did Tim get to spend more time with his cool aunt, but he _also_ got to get a Christmas present for his dad! Emma had been happy to hear his reasoning, admitting that she didn't really know what to get him. Tim was more than happy to give her some ideas.

All throughout the car ride to the Lakeside Mall, Tim bombarded his aunt with suggestions, while also taking the time to brag about _his_ great idea for dad's gift. See, Tim's dad had a _gigantic_ collection of wood-working tools. He used to be a shop teacher, after all. One of these tools, a power drill, was pretty old and had stopped working properly a while back. So, Tim wanted to get him a brand new one! By the time they arrived at the mall, Emma had decided on getting him a new Winter coat, since the one he had now was starting to look a little worn out.

The trip started off smoothly. They'd stopped at a few clothing stores, trying to find the right coat. Eventually, they decided on a nice light brown one that looked a _little bit_ like his old one, just with nicer material. After buying the coat, Aunt Emma wanted to make a stop at some store for used video games, movies, and CDs. While there, she bought a few assorted DVDs and Blu-Rays of some older movies, and CDs of some 90's rock band. When Tim asked who she bought them for, Emma smiled to herself and answered with, in a voice almost too quiet for Tim to hear, "Just a friend of mine". Though Tim could've _sworn_ he saw her blushing slightly when she said that. They'd been planning to head to the hardware store to buy the drill after that, but they took a detour towards the restrooms first. Emma placed the bags with their purchases on a bench outside the women's room, and Tim sat down beside them.

"Wait here, and watch our things," she told him. "I'll be right back."

Tim gave a salute. "Aye aye, captain!" he said, eliciting a chuckle from his aunt as she went into the restroom.

As he waited for Aunt Emma, Tim observed the area, fiddling with the zipper of his jacket absentmindedly. It wasn't a particularly interesting sight. Mostly people rushing past without so much as a glance in anyone else's direction. Sometimes people bumped into one another, they'd snap at each other, then carry on like nothing had happened. For a short while, the most exciting thing that Tim saw was someone with a service dog walking past. That is, until a guy leaving the men's room wearing an assortment of green clothing caught his eye. A t-shirt that had the word "Wiggly" on it, a pair of sweatpants, and... arm-warmers? Tim didn't know why, but this oddly-dressed man unnerved him _immensely_. And yet, he couldn't look away. Though he probably should've since the man _immediately_ looked over at Tim, and began to approach him with a wide toothy grin. Tim shifted his gaze to the floor, pretending that he didn't notice the man, but it was too late. The man had already sat down beside him on the bench.

"Why, hello there, little boy!" the weird man greeted him in an overly-cheerful tone. "What's your name?"

"Um... uh..." Tim stammered out, not really knowing how to respond. He was freaked out enough by this guy, but now he was being _forced_ into a conversation with him? "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers..." he settled on.

"Oh, but I'm not a stranger!" the man said. "I'm a Sniggle!"

"A _what?_ " Tim asked incredulously, not sure he heard the man correctly.

"A Sniggle!" the man repeated excitedly, not clearing _anything_ up. "And I'm here to tell you about the _brand new toy_ coming to Lakeside Mall soon! Tell me, have you heard of the Tickle-Me-Wiggly?"

Oh, Tim had heard of the Tickle-Me-Wiggly, alright. The commercial played on TV _all the time_ , which was annoying since it was like three minutes long. Tim didn't think the toy looked all that interesting. It seemed more like a baby toy than anything, but then again babies would probably find the thing creepy because of it's weird face. The commercial didn't even stick out in Tim's mind that much (aside from it being way too long, of course), though he'd overheard his dad humming the song once or twice. Still, he wanted to get this guy off his back. "Yes?" he answered, hoping that would satisfy the man enough for him to leave.

The man, er... "Sniggle", somehow managed to smile even wider. "You must be _very_ excited, then!" he exclaimed.

"Why?" Tim asked. God, what was it gonna take to get this guy to _leave!?_

"To meet your new bestest buddy-wud this Christmas!" the Sniggle elaborated, maybe a little too loudly.

"Bestest _buddy-wud?_ " Tim echoed in confusion. How old did this dude think he _was?_ Frustrated, Tim was about to yell at the Sniggle to get lost, but then he noticed Aunt Emma leaving the women's restroom over the man's shoulder. _Finally._ Emma looked over at him, and her eyes widened in shock at the sight of this weird stranger talking to her nephew. Tim subtly glanced at her with an anxious look on his face to signal that something was wrong, and she immediately rushed over.

_"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up there,"_ she said frantically as she lightly shoved the man off of the bench and away from Tim. "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"

"Oh, there's nothing to worry about, miss!" the Sniggle explained, his voice the most calm it had been throughout this entire conversation. "I was simply telling this young man abou-"

"Actually, y'know what?" Emma cut him off. Before continuing, she turned to her nephew. "Tim, cover your ears." she ordered. Taken slightly off-guard, Tim clamped his hands over his ears, but in a way that would still allow him to hear whatever his aunt was about to say to this weirdo. Satisfied, Emma nodded and turned back towards the Sniggle. "I don't give a flying _fuck_ what you were telling him about! This was supposed to be a _nice_ Christmas shopping trip, and we were just on our way to buy a present for his-" she gestured back towards Tim, who was still listening to this _epic_ chew-out through his hands. "-father. And I'm not gonna let your creepy clown-ass get in the way of that! So go harass someone else's nephew, and _kindly_ fuck off." Emma finished her rant with a huff. The shock on the Sniggle's face was evident.

"But I-" the Sniggle started to say.

_"Nope,"_ Emma cut him off once more with a shake of her head. "I don't wanna hear it. Piss off."

The Sniggle looked like he was about to object, but he simply pouted and stormed off. Emma turned back to Tim with a confident smirk on her face, and gestured towards her ears. "You can uncover your ears now, bud, I'm finished." she said.

Tim slowly removed his hands from his ears, awestruck. "Whoa," he said in breathless wonder. "I didn't hear _any_ of that-" A lie, but she didn't need to know that. "-but did you _see_ the look on his face!?"

Emma snickered as she picked up their bags from the bench, and gave Tim a nudge to start walking. "Heck yeah, I did." she answered proudly. "Listen, Tim. If there's one thing you gotta know about Hatchetfield, it's that it's _full_ of friggin' loonies like that guy. Always has been, always will be."

Tim nodded, keeping pace with his aunt as they walked. "Yeah, anyone who still wears arm-warmers in 2018 is _probably_ a little crazy." he joked.

Emma full-on laughed in response. "God, you really _are_ the son of a Perkins, aren't you?" she teased, tousling his hair. Tim laughed along with her. "Whaddya say we get that drill for your dad, and then grab something to eat? That sound good?"

Tim smiled at her. "Yep, sounds good!" he replied. He was lucky to have such a cool aunt like Emma.

\----------

Paul had only been shopping at the Lakeside Mall for two hours, and he was already _exhausted_. He liked to get his Christmas shopping done early (meaning, literally _any time_ before Black Friday), but he didn't care for the actual process. The massive crowds, the noise, the general stress of whether or not the gifts you bought were any good. Paul was overwhelmed just _thinking_ about it. Not helping matters was the new toy fad that had spread to Lakeside Mall. Sandwiched between the various Christmas songs and holiday-branded Lakeside Mall adverts that played over the mall speakers was the jingle for the new Tickle-Me-Wiggly doll, and Paul couldn't fucking _stand_ it. There was nothing more jarring than being in a quiet Barnes & Noble and hearing the end of Silver Bells play, only for it to be _immediately_ followed by "Ahoy there, boys and girls! Hop aboard the S.S. Wiggle!! We're setting sail... _for giggles!!! **COME OOOOONNN, SNIGGLES!!!!**_ " blaring at full volume. It just served as another sad reminder for Paul that Christmas wasn't _nearly_ as magical as it was when he was a kid.

All that being said, Paul was almost finished. He just needed to get Ted, Emma, and his mom and stepdad's gifts, and he'd be golden. Paul was about to walk into the haberdashery to get Ted's present when a sudden pain in his stomach reminded him that he had, in fact, been at the mall for two hours, and he should probably stop to get some lunch first. So he dragged himself halfway across the mall to the food court, ordered a chicken sandwich from one of the vendors, and set his shopping bags down at one of the few vacant tables. Paul sat down beside them, out of breath from lugging those heavy bags around for so long. As he waited for his order, Paul looked through the checklist he'd made of everyone's gifts on his phone, making sure he didn't miss anybody.

"1. Rec Center Trail to Oregon tickets for Alice and Deb" (Paul didn't even know what this show was _about_ , and the Hatchetfield Rec Center didn't exactly have a reputation for high quality productions. But it was the show playing during Alice's next visit in January, so hey, why not? Plus, Paul didn't have to go to the mall to get these!)  
"2. New cookbooks for Bill" (Bill had mentioned offhandedly that he wanted to learn how to bake, and thank god for that, because his attempt at making Christmas cookies last year left something to be desired.)  
"3. Cat stuff for Charlotte" (Pretty self-explanatory. Paul had bought a lot of smaller toys, but he'd also picked up this motorized cat toy called a "Fling-a-ma-String" which honestly looked more like a piece of construction equipment than a cat toy, but he thought it looked interesting enough to hold a cat's attention. Maybe. Paul didn't know much about cats.)  
"4. Something from Toy Zone for Em's nephew???" (Paul hadn't even _met_ Tim yet, so he had no idea what the kid liked. After a good thirty minutes of wandering around Toy Zone like a fucking creeper, Paul decided he'd just go with Emma when she got her gift for Tim and get her advice then, and left the store.)  
"5. Tacky-ass tie for Ted" (It was a Christmas tradition for Paul and Ted to get each other the ugliest goddamn ties they could find. They never actually wore the ties, but they'd been doing it for five years now, and they likely wouldn't stop anytime soon.)  
"6. College supplies for Emma" (Ideally, Paul would've gotten Emma something more romantic, but he figured it was probably best to take it slow since they'd only been going out for a little over a month. Textbooks that she needed for her next term, a new backpack since she was still using the old busted up one that she used in Guatemala, smaller stuff like new highlighters and pens. It didn't seem like much, but nothing says "I love you" like willingly buying someone a textbook at full price. Seriously, have you _seen_ how much college textbooks cost? That shit's expensive.)  
"7. New toaster for mom and dad" (Paul's folks had been using the same toaster since he was fifteen, and they _desperately_ needed a new one before the old one burst into flames and/or exploded.)

Paul knew that his credit card would be screaming in agony by the end of the day, but that's the holiday season for you. Goodwill, love, and financial ruin. After several minutes of waiting, Paul's buzzer went off, indicating that his order was ready. He gave his checklist one last quick go-over, before setting his phone down and making his way over to the vendor to get his food. As he walked back, tray and sandwich in hand, he noticed there was somebody sitting at his table. Seemingly a woman in her late teens-early twenties. Goddamn it. As he got closer, the woman noticed him and smiled, and Paul felt his heart drop. Oh no. Oh, _god_ no. He knew _exactly_ what this woman wanted from him. Her strikingly green outfit gave it away. This wasn't just some inconsiderate shopper who couldn't be bothered to notice that the table was clearly occupied. This lady was a Sniggle, aka, a ridiculously-dressed intern hired to advertise the Tickle-Me-Wiggly. At least, that's what Paul assumed they were. He had seen at least nine or ten of them wandering around Lakeside Mall while he shopped. Usually trying to get pictures with terrified-looking kids while their parents watched on. Paul didn't know _why_ the kids always looked so mortified of the Sniggles, but if they felt anything similar to the dread he was feeling as he approached his table, then Paul could understand it. Sighing, Paul sat down across from the Sniggle who had invited herself to his table.

"Hey there, fwendly-wend!" she greeted him with wide eyes and a bright smile. Paul winced. Did they _really_ have to use baby talk while speaking with adults?

'Listen," Paul huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was already tired of this inevitable conversation. "I know why you're here, and I get that you're just doing your job. But I have _no children,_ and thus, no use for a Tickle-Me-Wiggly doll! So can I just eat my lunch and finish my shopping in peace? _Please?_ "

_"Hmm...?"_ the Sniggle hummed, tilting her head to the side like a confused puppy. "No use for a Tickle-Me-Wiggly?"

Paul nodded in affirmation. "That's right." he replied before taking a bite out of his sandwich. Sniggle or no Sniggle, he wasn't letting his food get cold.

"Not even for-" the Sniggle continued, sounding as though she was trying to stifle a laugh. "-Em's nephew?"

Paul nearly choked on his sandwich when he heard that. _"Wh-what?"_ he sputtered out between coughs. He managed to swallow the chicken before speaking again. "How the hell did you..?"

The Sniggle's smile, and Paul's eyes, widened as she pulled _his fucking iPhone_ out from under the table, and flashed the screen towards him. His hands immediately shot to his pockets to check if she was playing some kind of trick on him. Then, with a groan, Paul realized. He'd fucking _left his phone_ unattended at the table when he went to get his food. And he'd left the screen on! In a crowded mall full of sketchy-ass people! _What kind of dumbass does that!?_

The Sniggle pointed to the screen. "It says right here, 'Number four: Something from Toy Zone for Em's nephew, question mark, question mark, question mark'." she stated matter-of-factly.

"Would you _gimme that!?_ " Paul spat as he snatched his phone back from the Sniggle, who simply broke into a fit of giggles in response. Why did the universe feel like tormenting him so much today? What had he done to piss off God so much in the past twenty-four hours? Why him? Why _now?_

"And from the looks of things, you haven't bought _anything_ from Toy Zone today!" the Sniggle exclaimed. Paul could _immediately_ tell where this was going. She leaned in slightly, as though she were about to tell him some big secret. "You know what you can find at Toy Zone this Black Friday?"

"The Tickle-Me-Wiggly!" Paul answered in exasperation. "The Tickle-Me-Wiggly, I fucking _know!_ But unlike some people, I'd rather all my bones and internal organs be kept _intact_ this holiday season, so I will _not_ be shopping at Lakeside Mall this Black Friday, thank you very much!" He punctuated his rant with an angry bite of his chicken sandwich.

The Sniggle looked like she didn't know how to respond to his sudden outburst. "W-well, um..." she stammered, her tone unsure. "Maybe if you just got your hands on one, you'd-"

Paul swallowed his bite of food. "And you wanna know something?" he asked rhetorically. All his pent-up frustration from today's shopping trip was trickling out, and _man_ did it feel good. "After this conversation, I'm _never_ going to buy a Tickle-Me-Wiggly!"

The Sniggle's eyes widened in... Paul couldn't really tell. Shock? Fear? There was a pause. A brief moment of silence between the two, with only the sounds of the busy mall to fill the dead air. And then the Sniggle started _crying._ Full-on hysterical sobbing in the middle of the mall food court. Taken _completely_ off-guard, Paul glanced around, and _oh god,_ people were staring. Paul internally cringed at himself, realizing what he had just done. He'd taken out all of his irritation from the day on this poor, probably under-paid, retail worker. He was an asshole. Between heavy sobs, Paul could hear the Sniggle saying "I'm so sorry!" and "Please forgive me!", and at first he thought she was apologizing to _him._ But then he heard her say "I've failed you!", and Paul wasn't sure what to think. Either way, he began to sympathize with this poor girl. She was clearly just as stressed out as he was, just not for the same reasons.

"Hey, um..." Paul said, his voice much calmer as he reached out to awkwardly pat the Sniggle's shoulder. He was never all that good at comforting people, but he had to at least _try._ "I'm... I'm sorry for yelling. Please don't cry?"

Her sobs quieted down somewhat, but she was still very much distraught. Paul cursed under his breath. He'd never blown up at someone like that before, _especially_ not a retail worker. He never even _yelled_ that much, and his throat was starting to sting from it. What had come over him? Paul could hear the Sniggle's muffled hiccups and sniffles as she continued to weep into her hands, and now that the shock of the moment had worn off a bit, he began to feel even _worse._ But just then, Paul got an idea.

"Hey, ma'am?" he piped up, retrieving his phone from his pocket. "Would you, uh... would you like a picture?"

The Sniggle slowly removed her hands from her face and looked up at Paul with red, puffy eyes. "Huh?" she asked pitifully.

Paul made an attempt at a reassuring smile. "Well, that's what you guys _do,_ isn't it? Taking pictures with people?" he said, making sure to keep his tone gentle. The Sniggle nodded slightly. "And, um... I noticed some of the other Sniggles weren't having the best luck getting pictures, so I figured maybe you'd like one?"

Another pause. The Sniggle studied his face for a moment. For a moment, Paul was worried he'd only made things worse, but then she began to nod. "O-okay!" she sniffed, a hint of a smile appearing on her face.

Paul sighed in relief as he readied the camera on his phone. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the Sniggle wiping her face down with her arm-warmers. Paul awkwardly stuck his phone out about half a foot away from his face, and adjusted his angle to get the Sniggle in the frame. He wasn't the kind of person who took selfies, but it was too late to turn back now. Paul wasn't great at smiling for pictures, and he had to kind of bend his knees in an uncomfortable way to keep the both of them in frame, but he managed to take the picture. As Paul put his phone away, he noticed that the Sniggle was grinning just as brightly as she was when the conversation started. Paul apologized once more for yelling, and the Sniggle simply gave a cheerful "bye-bye!" and a friendly wave as she walked off. As though the first half of that interaction didn't even happen. Satisfied, if _incredibly_ confused, Paul sat back down to finish his now-lukewarm chicken sandwich. _This_ was gonna be one hell of a story to tell at work tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this shitpost of a fic! Comments are appreciated!


End file.
